


here comes a feeling

by seaunicorn



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Bullying, Coming Out, F/F, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internal Conflict, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-06 05:40:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18844756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaunicorn/pseuds/seaunicorn
Summary: Alyssa Greene may have had a crush on Emma Nolan for a lot longer than she realized.(or Alyssa's journey of falling for Emma and realizing she's a giant lesbian)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was waiting until I watched The Prom to write any fanfiction, and I just got back from a trip to NYC where I finally watched it.... so enjoy! This fandom needs more content and I am more than happy to contribute.

Alyssa Greene has always been an empathetic person.

When the other kindergarteners were flicking roly-polys across the hot cement or stepping on spiders that strayed too close, Alyssa would pick the bugs up and place them safely back in the dirt.  When she watched movies with her friends, they would always make fun of her when she cried at the sad parts. And whenever her mom drove past a dead raccoon on the side of the road, it would sit with Alyssa in her gut for the rest of the day, and she only wished she could have done something for the creature.

School was hard because kids were mean.  Not to her, of course. Alyssa was smart and she had a lot of friends.  But kids could be really mean to the people they didn’t like for whatever reason they deemed that week.

Alyssa remembered her fifth grade gym class a little too well.  They were about to graduate elementary school and move onto being middle schoolers.  All the kids were basically vibrating with energy and excitement, and their gym teacher had given up trying to reel them in.  For the last three months of the school year, all they did was play kickball for gym class.

It wasn’t the kickball that caught Alyssa’s attention, though.  It was the same person who was picked last every single day. Emma Nolan.

It’s not like the girl was that bad at sports.  She was at least average, just a little clumsy. Sometimes she would awkwardly stumble while running to a base and the entire team would boo at the top of their lungs.  She slipped once and face-planted in the dirt. Alyssa watched her run off in embarrassment as soon as class was over and her heart ached.

At least Emma wasn’t as bad as Timmy Campbell who never even landed a kick.  But he had friends who always wanted him on their team, and they would just laugh with each other whenever he missed.

Come to think of it, Alyssa wasn’t sure if Emma had any friends.  She couldn’t remember ever seeing her eating lunch with anyone, joking around in class, walking with anyone in the halls.  She only ever saw Emma sitting by herself, maybe reading a book or scribbling something down in a notebook.

It didn’t seem to bother Emma, as far as Alyssa could tell, but it must suck to be everyone’s last choice.

When it was Alyssa’s turn as a team captain in April, she already knew who her first pick would be.

She met her best friend Shelby’s eyes, but quickly averted her gaze as she waved.  But Alyssa cleared her throat and searched for another person who was standing toward the back.

“I pick Emma.”

It was the immediate look of surprise and disbelief on Emma’s face that broke Alyssa’s heart, like Emma assumed this must be a joke.

“Me?” Emma asked, baffled.

“Yeah, get over here,” Alyssa laughed.

Alyssa heard the wave of confused chatter pass over her classmates and felt the seething glare from Shelby, but when she noticed the small, hesitant smile that Emma gave as she joined her at the front seemed to light up the whole school.  Alyssa thought she might do anything to make that girl smile again.

  
  
  


Alyssa was thirteen years old when she went to her very first semi-formal public school dance.  It’s not like anyone had dates or anything, they were still just eighth graders after all, but the dance was still a big deal.  At least, according to Alyssa’s mom and all her friends it was a big deal.

Her mom took her to the mall in the next town over where they picked out a sparkly dark blue dress that she could twirl in, and she even made an appointment at the parlor for Alyssa to get her hair and makeup done before the dance.

After being bombarded with flashes as her mom photographed her every move, Alyssa finally made it to the dance, meeting up with Shelby.  The dance was just getting started, and only the bravest souls were already out dancing in the middle of the floor. The lights were dark, with a disco ball and colored strobes lighting up faces here and there.

A couple of boys tried to catch Alyssa’s gaze as she and Shelby walked by, and Alyssa felt unsettled.  She wasn’t sure why, but the room was starting to get awfully warm and the crowd was suffocating her. She wanted to leave.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom!” she shouted over the music to Shelby.

“But we just got here!” Shelby pouted.

“Just wait here, I’ll be right back.”

Alyssa didn’t even wait for a response, she just shoved past her and weaved through the crowd toward the bathrooms.

As soon as Alyssa clambered into a stall, locked the door and sat on the toilet, she felt like she could breathe again.  It was just a dance, obviously kids were going to dance with each other, right? People were supposed to ask their crushes to dance when they played a slow song.  That’s how these things worked.

Alyssa wasn’t dumb.  She knew that she was pretty, and she knew that boys liked her.  But why did the thought of dancing with any of these boys who looked at her send her into a panic?

She didn’t have time to think on that question when the door creaked open and two girls came into the bathroom.

“Kaylee, what are you doing?!”

Alyssa recognized that voice.

“I’m saving you, Emma!” Kaylee exclaimed.  “What were you thinking, wearing that?”

“I thought it looked nice,” Emma Nolan muttered, her voice small and insecure.  “My grandma hemmed it for me.”

“Well it looks dumb.  Why couldn’t you have just worn a dress like we’re supposed to?”

Alyssa was trying not to eavesdrop, but it was hard.  It was a small bathroom.

“I don’t like wearing dresses.  My legs are really pale and I just get self-conscious, and--”

“Just get over it, no one’s going to care anyway.  A dress would’ve been better than this! What if people see me with you and think--”

_ WHOOSH! _

Alyssa had leaned a little too far forward, and the automatic toilet flushed underneath her.  Oops.

The room was quiet for a moment, just the echo of the toilet flush bouncing off the walls.  They knew someone else was in here but they didn’t know who.

“Just call your parents and ask them to bring something to change into.  I’ll see you later.”

Footsteps echoed as Kaylee left the bathroom.  Alyssa couldn’t breathe. Should she stay in here until Emma left too?  She already knew someone was in here though, so what difference would it make?

But then, Alyssa heard a sniffle coming from Emma, who hadn’t even moved since Kaylee left.

Alyssa turned the lock and stepped out of the bathroom stall.  She didn’t make eye contact with Emma, but she saw her reflection in the mirror as she washed her hands.

Emma was wearing black slacks and a dark green suit jacket that looked like it had been fitted for her to look a bit more feminine.  Her hair was curled, and she had even put on a little bit of makeup, which was surprising. Alyssa didn’t think she had ever seen Emma wear makeup before.  The makeup wasn’t going to last very long though, because Emma was crying.

Alyssa wasn’t even sure if Emma realized that she was there; her eyes were closed and half her face was covered, buried in one hand as she cried silently to herself.  She wanted to do something,  _ anything _ to help.

Alyssa cleared her throat.  “Emma?”

Emma quickly wiped her eyes, mostly just succeeding in smearing her makeup a little, and looked up.

Even with red eyes and smudged makeup and messy curls, Alyssa thought she looked beautiful.

Kaylee was an idiot.

“Yeah?” Emma asked after a moment.

Alyssa blinked, wondering just how long she had been staring.  “Uh, I think your jacket looks really pretty.”

Emma smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.  “Thanks.”

An awkward silence followed.  Emma scuffed her shoe against the floor.  Alyssa wondered if Emma wanted her to leave.

“Are you okay?” Alyssa asked, finally.

Emma shrugged.  “Yeah, I--I’m fine.”  Silence. “I think I’m just gonna leave.”

“What?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about me,” Emma said as she turned around and headed out the door.  “Have fun tonight.”

She was out the door before Alyssa could even register what had just happened.  She wanted to follow, but her feet were rooted to the ground.

Alyssa stood there, frozen for a moment, until the door opened again and three other girls came inside.  She shook her head, brushed past them, and headed back to the dance.

“What took you so long?” Shelby asked as soon as Alyssa found her again.

Alyssa ignored her.  She scanned the room for any sign of Emma, but the girl was nowhere to be found.  She really did leave.

When a slow song came on and a boy named Alex asked her to dance, she said yes.

Only in the deepest recesses of her mind did Alyssa let herself think about who she wished she was dancing with instead.

  
  


If Alyssa thought middle-schoolers were bad, she was not prepared for how cruel teenagers could be.

Alyssa started high school on top.  She made the cheerleading squad her freshman year.  Her mother had never been more proud of her, surrounding herself with  _ ‘capable, responsible women _ ’.

Alyssa thought they were bitches.

Not directly, though.  It was more of an indirect bitchiness.  A snide comment about how Alyssa should have worn a different color, or offhandedly pointing out acne on her face, or a look of disinterest when Alyssa mentioned a book she liked that wasn’t technically  _ cool _ .  Every day with her friends, Alyssa found herself shaping her personality to fit in with them just a little better, because fitting in with the cheerleaders was better than not being a cheerleader.

She was friends with Kaylee now, which was new.  Alyssa, Shelby, and Kaylee were the only three freshman girls to make the cheerleading squad, so they quickly became a tight knit group.  It was a quick transition and Alyssa noticed from the beginning of the year that Kaylee spent more and more time with her and Shelby, and less time with any of her other friends.

Alyssa noticed Emma Nolan a lot.  She noticed the way Emma always sat in a back corner of the classrooms that they shared.  She noticed the way Emma always looked at her feet as she walked through the halls, not making eye contact with any of their classmates.  She noticed the way that, after Kaylee stopped eating lunch with her, Emma just stopped sitting in the cafeteria at lunch. Where does she go?  Alyssa wondered, who does she sit with now?

She knew the answer deep down, but wished she wasn’t right.   _ Nobody _ .

Alyssa wondered what it would be like to have no friends.  Maybe she would be happier if she wasn’t constantly trying to prove herself to Shelby and Kaylee, if she wasn’t cutting herself away piece by piece until she turned into just another basic, bitchy cheerleader.

Part of Alyssa was even jealous of Emma, just skirting by high school undetected, free to do whatever she wanted without friends who constantly judged her.

She was jealous of Emma until the Thanksgiving assembly.

The whole school gathered in the gym to watch any brave students who had signed up to perform at the assembly.

Alyssa didn’t know that Emma had signed up to perform.  She didn’t know anyone that had, really. She didn’t care or pay attention to things like that.  She just shuffled into the crowd with her friends and the rest of the school when the assembly began.  She chatted in the back row with her Shelby and Kaylee, not really paying attention, trying not to fall asleep.

When Emma walked onstage, Alyssa was immediately enraptured.   _ She plays guitar? _  Alyssa wondered what else there was that she didn’t know about Emma Nolan.

Even from here, she could tell that Emma was nervous.

“Hi, I’m Emma.”  Her voice shook as she introduced herself.  “I’m just going to sing a song.”

There was a bit of scattered, polite applause.  Emma took a deep breath, placed her fingers, and strummed the first chord.

The crowd was obnoxious, talking and giggling through the performance.  Emma’s voice wavered in the first verse, but as soon as she got to the chorus, her confidence grew.  She owned it, and her voice was beautiful.

Alyssa wasn’t sure of the song.  She didn’t think it was one she had ever heard before, but the song and the artist wasn’t what mattered.

Emma’s eyes were closed the whole time, not even looking as her fingers moved across the neck of her guitar with ease.  Alyssa couldn’t tear her eyes away.

As Emma sang out the final note of the song, her voice wavered a little bit again.  It was clear that the nerves were kicking back in. Sure, she wasn’t perfect, but Alyssa thought she sounded amazing.

As the last chord faded, there was a bit of an awkward pause as the auditorium sat in silence.  Alyssa frowned, and started clapping. A scattered applause followed, barely enough to match what all the other performers received.

Emma smiled and everything was fine until someone in the crowd shouted, “BOO!”

It was only one person, but then came the laughter.  Alyssa didn’t even know if people were laughing at the comment or laughing at Emma, but did it matter?  She saw Emma’s smile falter briefly. If she hadn’t been watching, it would have been unnoticeable. Eventually, the laughter and commotion died down.  Emma’s fist was clenched as she walked offstage with her guitar.

By the time the next act came onstage and a trumpeter started playing the Imperial March from Star Wars, everyone had forgotten about the incident.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Alyssa muttered to Kaylee and Shelby.  She climbed down from her spot on the bleachers, and when she left the auditorium, she went the opposite direction of the bathrooms.

She found the door to the choir room that was adjacent to the backstage area, propped open with a chair.  On the door was a list of the talent acts.

Alyssa stepped inside and looked around.  There were a few people who had already gone onstage and a few people yet to perform warming up their voices or tuning their instruments.  Emma was nowhere to be seen, but she spotted a familiar guitar propped up by a chair in the back corner. The backpack on the chair was Emma’s.

There was a boy sitting two seats over, absently strumming at his electric guitar.  She recognized him as a junior, but didn’t know his name. Alyssa tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey, did you see where she went?” she pointed to Emma’s guitar.

The guy shrugged.  “No, sorry.”

There was a hallway at the back of the choir room that led to the band room.  There weren’t many other options, so Alyssa walked down the hall, looking around for Emma.

The band room was empty, much to her dismay, but there was one door in the room that Alyssa didn’t know where it led.  She walked it and heard something on the other side. She wasn’t sure, but it sounded like crying.

It had to be Emma.

Alyssa knocked softly at the door.  The sound stopped but it stayed quiet, so she knocked again.

At first there was no response.   Alyssa frowned, but soon she heard a soft, “Who is it?”

“It’s Alyssa,” she said.  “Alyssa Greene.”

Again, there was no answer.  Alyssa leaned her forehead against the door and sighed.

“It’s open,” Emma muttered finally.

Alyssa twisted the handle and pushed the door open and stepped into a dimly lit room with no windows and only one dim, flickering light.  There were two stacks of chairs pushed up against side wall, stands for sheet music shoved into one corner, a stack of books and papers on plastic shelves, and a few old or broken instruments.

Emma sat on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest, facing away from the door.

Alyssa closed the door behind her.  She didn’t know why her heart was racing or her hands were shaking, but she took a deep breath to calm herself.  “I just wanted to say, you were amazing out there.”

Emma chuckled.  “Yeah, right.”

Alyssa frowned.  “I’m serious.” Emma stayed quiet.  “What was the song? I don’t think I know it.”

“It was by Vampire Weekend,” Emma muttered.

“Well it was really good.”

“You don’t have to lie to me. I’m a big girl, I can take it.”

Alyssa frowned and marched over to the other side of the room and sat down opposite her.  Emma’s glasses were off, her eyes were red, cheeks stained with tears. She wouldn’t meet Alyssa’s eyes.  “Emma, you have a beautiful voice. You are so talented, and I can’t even believe how brave you are to just go up in front of all those people.  I definitely couldn’t have done anything like that. You are truly incredible.”

Emma’s head tilted up ever so slightly.  Her brown eyes found Alyssa’s and stared into them, searching for answers.  “Do you really mean that?” Her voice was quiet, weak, almost hopeless. It made Alyssa’s heart ache.  Why couldn’t Emma see how amazing she is?

Alyssa nodded.  “Every word.”

Once again, Emma said nothing, but this time she crawled forward and threw her arms around Alyssa.  Alyssa’s heart raced in her chest, but she held Emma close. They embraced for what could have been hours and seconds at the same time.  It dragged on, but Alyssa felt like it wasn’t nearly long enough when Emma pulled back and wiped her eyes.

Emma seemed to be done crying, but she was still a little shaken up.  “Thank you,” she sniffled. “Sorry, this is embarrassing.”

Alyssa shook her head.  “You don’t have to apologize for anything.”  Emma looked at her, her eyebrows scrunched a little giving her an adorable crinkle on her forehead.  She looked like she had something to say. “What is it?”

Emma hesitated, then asked, “Why are you always so nice to me?”

_ Because you’re the best person I’ve ever met _ , is what Alyssa wanted to say.   _ Because I notice you everywhere and you deserve so much better than how everyone treats you _ .   _ Because you should know how amazing you are _ .

Instead, Alyssa just shrugged.  “People suck,” she said. “And you don’t deserve that.”

They fell into a comfortable silence; all they could hear was the distant music and occasional applause from the performances that were still going on.  Alyssa didn’t know what else to say, but she didn’t want to leave Emma alone. And she didn’t think Emma wanted her to leave either. Even after their hug, Emma had grabbed onto one of Alyssa’s hands and squeezed it in thanks.  She wasn’t really holding it anymore, but she hadn’t moved it away either. It was just there, resting on top of Alyssa’s hand. Alyssa thought she could feel her skin tingling where Emma touched her.

Were they holding hands?  The thought sent an excited shiver down her back.  It was fine, friends held hands all the time, right?  Were they even friends? Did Emma even want to be her friend or was she just grateful for the present company?  Oh man, Alyssa really needed a distraction from her wandering brain.

“So, why’d you come in here?” she asked.

Emma shrugged.  “It’s always empty.  I just come in here whenever I want to be alone… which is like, all the time.”  She chuckled softly, her mood slowly coming up from being so far down.

“So this is where you always go at lunch?” Alyssa mused.

“You--you noticed me at lunch?”

Alyssa froze.  Maybe she shouldn’t have said that out loud.  “No, pfft, of course not. I mean, not like, in a weird way.  Just in a normal, oh I don’t see Emma around sort of way. It’s not, like, a big deal or anything.”  Alyssa could feel her cheeks turning red, but her embarrassment was worth it when she saw Emma’s frown turn into a shy smile.

“It’s just quiet in here,” she explained, not pressing the subject, much to Alyssa’s relief.  “Peaceful.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

They let the silence wash over them for another few minutes.  Emma’s hand didn’t move from hers.

Alyssa was content.

Another song ended in the distance in the auditorium.  The applause was a bit louder this time, more enthusiastic.  And then came the dynne of thousands of footsteps trying to get out of the gym all at once.  After that, the bell sounded.

“I guess the show’s over,” Alyssa muttered.

“And the school day.”

Alyssa studied Emma’s face.  Her cheeks were a little flushed, though you could hardly tell that she had been crying anymore.  Her smile almost reached her eyes. Her eyes… suddenly flicked upward as Alyssa looked at her. Where had she been looking?

Alyssa wished she could stay in this safe haven with Emma forever, but this was the real world.  “I have to get to practice,” she sighed.

“And I should get home, probably.  Homework and stuff.”

Alyssa got to her feet first, then offered a hand to help Emma up.  When Emma rose, their faces were just a bit closer than they had been before.  Alyssa had to look up a little to meet her eyes. Had Emma always been taller than her?  As her gaze fell away, her eyes landed on Emma’s lips for a moment. They looked really soft.  Alyssa wondered if they were soft.

And then she realized what she was thinking and how ridiculous that sounded.

Alyssa cleared her throat and stepped past Emma toward the door.

“Alyssa, wait.”

She turned, and found herself wrapped in another hug.  Alyssa melted into the embrace. She slung her arms around Emma’s waist and held her tight, and leaned into her a little.  Her hair smelled like coconut shampoo. Alyssa wasn’t sure why she noticed that.

“Thank you,” Emma whispered.

“Anytime.”

Alyssa didn’t want to let go, but if she was late to practice and her mom found out, she was dead.  Reluctantly she extracted herself from Emma’s arms. She didn’t want to look away so she walked backwards to the door and felt for the handle behind her.

“I’ll see you around, Emma Nolan.”

And with that, Alyssa slipped out the door and back into the real world.

Life returned to normal, but she never forgot about their moment in the band closet.

Alyssa wanted to be friends with Emma, but whenever she passed the girl in the halls, her heart would race and her palms would sweat, and all she could manage was a quick, “Hello,” without going into a full blown panic.

At least it made Emma smile every time.

  
  
  


It wasn’t until one Saturday afternoon when Alyssa was hanging out with Shelby and Kaylee that the realization hit her.

They were watching Riverdale, and though it had happened before, Cheryl and Toni kissed.  It’s not like Alyssa and her friends ever really talked about the couple, they mostly just went on about Archie’s abs.  Even Alyssa herself hadn’t given them a second thought before.

But they kissed and Alyssa thought,  _ do I want to kiss Emma _ ?

Alyssa felt like she couldn’t breathe.  She barely remembered muttering something about going to the bathroom and stalking away from her friends. She closed the door and locked it behind her before she broke down.

Of course she liked Emma.  Emma was much cooler than everyone else thought her to be.  She was nice, and smart, and funny. At least, from what Alyssa knew of her through their limited interactions.  She was pretty. But it was fine to think other girls were pretty. All girls did that, right? It didn’t mean she wanted to kiss Emma.

Come to think of it, she had never thought of Shelby or Kaylee as pretty.  At least, not in the way she thought Emma was. And she had never wondered how soft her friends’ lips were, and-- oh god, she wanted to kiss Emma.

But what did that mean if she wanted to kiss Emma?  When the thought of the girl made her blush, did that make her gay or bi or just curious?

This was too much for Alyssa to be thinking about right now.  She sat on the ledge of the bathtub, trying to control her breathing.  She couldn’t be having a panic attack and identity crisis right  _ now _ !  Her friends were just outside.  What would they even say if they knew?

That thought sent her into another spiral.  What would everyone say? Her friends, the other kids at school, Emma, and oh god, her mother?

Alyssa thought she might throw up.

She took a deep breath.  In and out.

After a few minutes Alyssa felt like she could breathe again.   _ One step at a time _ , she told herself.

Alyssa flushed the toilet and washed her hands, just so her friends wouldn’t suspect she was having a panic attack, and left the bathroom.

Shelby and Kaylie were still on the couch, hardly moved, and probably didn’t even notice she left.  Alyssa cleared her throat.

“I’m not feeling well,” she said when they looked at her.  “Must’ve been something I ate. I’m just gonna head home.”

Shelby frowned.  “Do you need a ride, boo?”

Alyssa shook her head.  “No, I think the fresh air will be good.  I’ll see you guys.” She grabbed her bag and headed out the door.

Later that night, Alyssa couldn’t sleep.  She got out of bed, tiptoed to her door, and peered down the hall toward her mom’s room.  The light was off. That meant she was asleep. Good.

As quiet as she could muster, Alyssa unzipped her backpack and pulled out her laptop.  She climbed into bed, pulled the blankets over her head, and opened it. Once the brightness was as far down as it could go, Alyssa opened an incognito window and typed into the search bar.

_ What does it mean if I’m a girl and I want to kiss a girl? _

As soon as Alyssa hit enter, she didn’t know why she asked such an obvious question.  The words popped out at her. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, curious, LGBTQ, all of the above and more.  Okay. Cool. Deep breaths. That didn’t mean anything. She could still be straight, or just curious. It was perfectly normal.

Alyssa bit her lip and hesitated before typing in her next search.   _ How do I know if I’m gay? _  She held her breath as she hit enter.

Most of the results that came up were about gay men and boys liking boys.  Alyssa frowned and backspaced, altering her question just a little. She knew the word she had to type, but Alyssa couldn’t find it in herself to press down on the keys.

Maybe even just writing it down was admitting it to herself, and that was too much for Alyssa.

_ How do I know if I’m a lesbian? _

Alyssa’s hand shook as she hit search and waited for the results.

There were articles upon articles.  Autostraddle, After Ellen, and more.  She didn’t know where to start. Alyssa scrolled through pages looking for something that could help, until she found a quiz.  She liked quizzes. Alyssa clicked on it.

The first question: Why are you taking this quiz?  Alyssa looked at the options.  _ As a joke _ .  She definitely wasn’t laughing about this, so probably not.   _ I think I might be gay _ .  Well.  She’d come back to that later.  Or simply,  _ I don’t know _ .

She knew.  Deep down, Alyssa knew why she was taking this stupid quiz.  She took a deep breath and clicked,  _ I think I might be gay _ .

The second question: How often have you found yourself attracted to someone of the same gender?

Alyssa thought about it for a moment.  Had she ever been attracted to a girl besides Emma?  She wasn’t attracted to any of her friends, or any of the other girls on the cheer squad, but they were all mean.  She didn’t find herself looking at any of the girls in her classes or on the sports teams that she cheered for. Where else did she meet people?

She thought back to Bible camp in middle school, and the older camp counselor.  Tracy? Trish? Tanya? Alyssa couldn’t remember her name, but she remembered wanting to be her friend, always wanting to spend time with her, trying to impress her, thinking she was pretty-- oh god, did she have a crush on her old camp counselor?

Other than that, Alyssa couldn’t think of anything else.  She looked at the options for a while before settling on the one right in the middle.   _ Sometimes _ .

The third question: How often have you found yourself attracted to someone of a different gender?

This one stumped Alyssa.  She had crushes on boys, right?  All those nights she slept over at Shelby’s house in middle school, they would stay up and gossip about boys.  Although, looking back, it was usually Shelby leading the conversation. Alyssa remembered the eighth grade dance, when all those boys asked her to dance and she sucked it up and said yes even though she couldn’t imagine anything worse than dancing with a boy.  Even now, her friends asked her if she had a boyfriend or wanted one. Alyssa would just shrug, say she was busy, and change the subject.

What about celebrities?  There had to be at least one male celebrity that she liked, right?  As Alyssa wracked her brain, she realized she couldn’t even think of one famous guy off the top of her head.

Alyssa found herself clicking the last button.   _ Never _ .

She looked for the next question, only to find that there wasn’t one.  “That’s it?” she whispered. Alyssa could hear her heartbeat thrumming in her ears as she waited for the page to load.

_ You might be gay! _

Inhale.  Exhale. Don’t freak out.

After taking a moment to process, Alyssa read through the paragraph of text about how it’s normal to be curious about these things and to want answers.  ‘A quiz can’t tell you that you’re gay. Only you can,’ Alyssa read. She rolled her eyes and scrolled through the rest of the page. It linked to various websites and articles.  Definitions of various terms in the sexual identity spectrum, charities supporting LGBT rights, lists of LGBT movies and TV shows.

Alyssa read through every single one.

By the time she came back to herself, it was past three o’clock in the morning and her head wasn’t any less jumbled than it had been before, but at least now she had more answers than questions.

Alyssa closed out of her incognito window, triple checked her search history to make sure it was clear, then shut off her laptop.

As she curled up in bed, she clutched a pillow to her chest.  Maybe she was gay, Alyssa thought, and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Emma Nolan comes out, Alyssa's whole world changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more centered around Alyssa and Emma's relationship than the last one....and it's a lot longer. Enjoy :)
> 
> CW for this chapter - homophobia, bullying, and homophobic language.

News in Edgewater travels fast.  One time Mrs. Woodson missed Sunday church for the first time in twenty years and before the service was over, it was all everybody could talk about.  Turns out she had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital.

Alyssa’s mother seemed to be at the heart of all town gossip, being an active church community member and president of the PTA.

Alyssa sat down across from her mom for a seemingly normal Sunday night dinner a few weeks into her junior year of high school, but after they prayed, her mother appeared tense and uncomfortable.

“Mom?” Alyssa asked as she took a bite of potatoes.  “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth, sweetie,” her mother said.

Alyssa fought the urge to roll her eyes and swallowed her food.  “What’s wrong, mom?”

Her mom gave her a smile.  It didn’t happen often. “I like to think I’ve done a pretty good job at raising you.”

“You did, mom.”

“People will probably be talking at school tomorrow and I want you to be fully prepared for what you may hear.”

“Did someone die, or--”

“No, no, nothing like that,” she paused.  “Do you know the Nolan girl? She’s in your grade.”

Alyssa’s heart skipped a beat.  “Emma?” What did Emma have to do with this?

“Yes, her.  I hope you’re not too close with her, are you?”

Alyssa averted her gaze and shrugged.  “Not really. I mean, we’ve spoken a few times and have a couple classes together, but that’s it.”  As she played with her food and fought the blush on her cheeks, she prayed that her mom didn’t notice anything suspicious about her behavior.

“Well Mrs. Smith lives next door to the Nolans and she heard quite the commotion over there last night.”

A commotion?  What could possibly have happened?  “Is Emma okay?” was all Alyssa could ask.

“Oh, not in the slightest.  She’s not well.” It seemed as though her mother was choosing her words very carefully.  “There’s something wrong with her, in the head. She… thinks she doesn’t like men.”

The words washed over Alyssa.  Finally she looked back up at her mom.  “Emma’s gay?”

“Alyssa, don’t say that,” her mom snapped.  “But yes, it appears she told her parents that she is a...a homosexual and they were understandably furious.  She moved into her grandmother’s house today.”

Alyssa was speechless.  She couldn’t even believe what she was hearing.  Emma was gay, which was good for Alyssa because Alyssa had a giant crush on her.  But her parents kicked her out? Were they even allowed to do that? She must have spent too long gaping because her mother spoke up again.

“Now, I know it’s a lot to process, but I wanted you to know before you started hearing goodness knows what at school tomorrow.  I’m just glad to hear you’re not close with her! Make sure you stay away from that girl, you hear? She’s no good, that one.”

“No she-- she’s nice,” Alyssa defended.

“I know it might seem like that, but don’t let her fool you.  Those gays can be very manipulative. I don’t want my baby girl under her influence.”

“She’s not a bad person, and why do you get to tell me who I can talk to? I don’t get why—”

“Alyssa!  That’s enough. What has gotten into you?”

Alyssa wanted to yell at her mom.  She wanted to scream and cry and tell her that Emma is wonderful.  She wanted to tell her that Emma Nolan is smart and talented and a better person than everyone in that school.

But she stopped herself.  If this is how her mom reacts when a random kid in town is gay, what would she even say if she knew that Alyssa was too?

“Nothing.”  Alyssa grabbed her plate and stood up from the table.  “I’m not hungry, I’ll eat later.” She put her plate in the fridge and ignored her mom’s protests as she ran upstairs.

Alyssa closed the door behind her and sat on her bed.  She grabbed her phone before remembering that she didn’t even have Emma’s number.  They barely knew each other. What, so was she just supposed to wait until school tomorrow to know if Emma was okay?  And even then, how could Alyssa even talk to her without everyone seeing and spreading rumors about her? And what would her mom do if word got back to her that she spoke to Emma after being specifically told not to?

Alyssa fell back on her bed and cried.

  
  


Emma wasn’t at school on Monday.

She wasn’t there on Tuesday either.

Emma’s absence didn’t stop the entire school from laughing at her while she wasn’t there, decorating her locker with post-it notes that had various homophobic slurs written on them.  Alyssa tried removing the post-its when she went to the bathroom during class and no one was around, but it was no use. They just reappeared by the next period.

That didn’t stop Alyssa from trying, though.

Wednesday morning in history class, Alyssa kept an eye on the empty seat in the back of the classroom.  She almost thought Emma wouldn’t show again, but barely half a second before the final bell rang, she slipped inside and took her seat.

The room grew quiet as everyone stared at her.  Emma kept her head down, eyes on her notebook.

The teacher hadn’t arrived yet, so Nick slid his chair up to Emma’s desk.  “Hey, Emma.” Emma ignored him. “Emma. Emma.” He waved his hand in front of her face.  “Hey, dyke.”

Alyssa wished she was brave enough to stand up and tell him off.

Thankfully, the teacher walked inside before that could escalate any further.  “Alright kids, textbooks to page 93 and homework out.”

Alyssa stole one last glance at the desk in the corner.  Emma’s eyes looked tired, but she shook her head and opened her textbook, steeling herself for the day.

After class, Emma was the first person out the door.  Alyssa rushed to put away her books and follow her out.  She watched as Emma walked up to her locker, looked at all the hateful messages on it, and just walked away.

Alyssa wanted to run after her, but when someone bumped into her, she was grounded in reality again.  She couldn’t just walk up to Emma at school; people would talk. She had to play this safe.

When lunchtime rolled around, Alyssa scanned the cafeteria for any sign of Emma to no avail, just as she thought.  Alyssa grabbed her backpack and excused herself to go to the bathroom, but instead she headed straight for the band room.  She wasn’t even totally sure if Emma would be there, but it was worth a shot.

Alyssa knocked on the band closet door.

There was no response, so she knocked again.  Maybe Emma wasn’t here today. She turned the handle and pushed the door open, fully expecting the room to be empty.

Instead, she found Emma, leaning against the back wall, headphones on, eyes closed as she played with her sandwich and mouthed along to the words of whatever she was listening to.  Emma was in her own world right now. Alyssa really should have spoken up or cleared her throat, but she couldn’t stop watching. A small smile tugged at the corner of Alyssa’s lips.

Then, Emma’s eyes opened.  She yelped and jumped to her feet.  Alyssa quickly stepped all the way inside and closed the door behind her.  Emma still looked panicked as she pulled her headphones off her ears.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!” Alyssa said.  “You just looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to bother you.”

Emma nodded.  Her shoulders visibly relaxed a bit, but she still seemed a bit on edge.  “What--um, what are you doing here?”

“Uhh,” Alyssa hesitated and unzipped her backpack.  “I have notes you can borrow.” She pulled out a few notebooks.  “Bio, history, English. Since you were out for a few days.”

Emma still didn’t move closer to Alyssa, but she nodded.  “Thanks.”

Alyssa cleared her throat.  Emma wasn’t saying anything else.  “Keep them as long as you need. Although, we do have a history test next week so maybe if I could get that one back with a little time to study that would be great, but other--”

“Alyssa, why are you here?” Emma asked again, her voice a little more urgent this time.

Alyssa shrugged.  “I was worried about you,” she confessed.  “It’s probably a dumb question, but are you okay?”

Emma shook her head.  “Not really, no.” She slunk back down to the ground and rested her forehead on her knees, curling up against the wall.  Alyssa sat down across from her. She sounded so broken and Alyssa wanted to punch every single person that had anything to do with making her feel this way.    “Why do you care?”

Alyssa wasn’t sure how to answer that question.  “I’m sorry about your parents,” is what she settled for.  “And I’m sorry everyone in this town is a homophobic asshole.”

Emma chuckled at that.  She lifted her head a little bit.  There were tears in her eyes but she didn’t wipe them away.  “So you don’t hate me?”

“Of course not,” Alyssa sighed.  “You’re kind of the only person at this school that I don’t hate right now.”

Alyssa felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.  Her friends would be wondering where she was.

“I have to go,” she said.  “I told my friends I was in the bathroom.”  She frowned in an unspoken apology.

Emma looked disappointed but she nodded.  “I get it. If people saw you hanging out with me they’d probably start spreading all sorts of rumors.”

Alyssa stood up, but Emma stayed on the ground.  “Keep the notes as long as you need.”

“Thanks.”

Alyssa didn’t want to leave her like this, but she didn’t really have a choice.

Before she went back to the cafeteria, Alyssa made a quick pit stop by Emma’s locker.  She looked over her shoulder to ensure no one was watching and removed all the post-it notes.  Then, she ripped a piece of paper out of her notebook and scrawled something down.

_ If you ever need a friend, text me _

_ Alyssa _

She wrote the phone number on the piece of paper, quickly folded it, and stuffed it inside Emma’s locker before anyone else turned up in the hall.

It wasn’t until later that afternoon when Alyssa checked her phone after practice that she saw a new text message from an unknown number.

_ Did you take all the post-its off my locker? _

Alyssa was still sweaty and in her practice clothes, but she typed out a response.   _ Emma? _

The gray bubbles appeared almost immediately.   _ Yeah, it’s Emma. Who else has post-it notes all over their locker? _

Alyssa chuckled.   _ I might have taken some down… how did you know?  More always show up. _

_ They were different from the ones this morning, and I doubt anyone else in school would’ve done that for me. _  As Alyssa read the message, Emma started typing again.   _ Wait, you did that before? _

“Alyssa, why are you just standing there?”  Shelby’s voice startled Alyssa out of her conversation.

“Nothing,” she said, shoving her phone back into her backpack.  “I was just grabbing my stuff to shower.” Reluctantly, Alyssa zipped up her backpack, grabbed a change of clothes and her towel, and headed for the showers.

She didn’t get a chance to text Emma back until she got home.  She walked into her bedroom and closed the door behind her, all the while typing away at her phone.   _ I cleaned it off yesterday and Monday but they keep showing up.  Sorry I can’t do more. _

The bubbles appeared again almost immediately.  Alyssa dropped her backpack on the floor and flopped onto her bed, watching the bubbles, waiting for a response.

_ What if someone saw you? _

_ I made sure no one was looking _ , she said, and sent.  Wait, that implied that she didn’t want people to know she was helping Emma.  Which was true, but she didn’t want  _ Emma _ to know that.  When Emma didn’t respond, she knew she had screwed up.   _ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. _

Alyssa grabbed a pillow and buried her face in it until she felt her phone vibrate next to her.

_ Yeah you did _ .  Alyssa frowned.  Emma was still typing, so she waited.   _ It’s okay, I get it, people would talk.  You don’t want to be lumped in the gay club when you’re not.  Population - me. _

Alyssa’s heart sped up.  She didn’t want to lie to Emma, but she still wasn’t ready for anyone to know she was gay.  She still had a hard time admitting it to herself. Instead, she settled on a half-truth and hoped it would suffice.   _ It’s just my mom. She’s pretty uptight and she kind of flipped when she heard about you. She actually specifically told me not to talk to you. I can’t even imagine what she would do if she knew we were texting now! _

When Alyssa hit send, she realized that she had never talked about her mom with anyone before.  Well, she mentioned her mom in passing sometimes, but she never complained to anyone or even implied what she was really like.  It was easy for her to tell Emma, though.

_ She doesn’t spy on your phone, does she?  My parents did that. We can use code names if you need. _

Alyssa giggled.  It was a little fucked up, bonding over their shared experience of controlling parents.   _ What sort of code name did you have in mind for yourself? _

_ I hadn’t thought that far ahead. _  Alyssa laughed again.

_ Well stealing my phone is one boundary she’s yet to cross. I don’t think code names are necessary. _

_ One benefit from no longer living with my parents is that they can’t search my phone and internet history anymore lol _

It didn’t seem like a joking matter to Alyssa.  She wasn’t sure if Emma was trying to make light of a shitty situation or hide her feelings behind a facade of humor.  She wished she knew.  _ You’re living with your grandma now, right?  How is that? _

_ It’s actually great! _ Emma replied.   _ She’s been amazing through all of this. I’m really lucky _

Alyssa didn’t think she was very lucky, but at least Emma had someone looking out for her.

“Alyssa, sweetie!” her mom called from downstairs.  “Dinner’s ready!”

Alyssa fought the urge to groan into her pillow.  “Coming, mom!” Before she left, she texted Emma a quick,  _ Gotta go, sorry. Talk later? _

She waited for a response, which came quick.   _ Yeah, I’ve got a lot of homework to catch up on so I should go too. _  She was about to set her phone down when another message came through.   _ Thanks Alyssa _ .

_ You’re welcome _ , Alyssa typed back.  After a moment’s hesitation, she tacked on a purple heart emoji to the message.  She hit send quickly, before she lost her nerve.

“ _ Alyssa _ !”

“I’m coming!”

Alyssa ran downstairs, trying to ignore the flutter in her chest.

  
  


Emma Nolan was easy to talk to.

Alyssa couldn’t remember ever becoming friends with someone so easily and quickly.  That’s what they were, right? Friends? They would talk about music or class, and sometimes their shitty parents.  After Alyssa gave Emma her phone number, she found herself wanting to talk to her every day.

A week after they started talking, Alyssa received a text from Emma between classes.   _ I’m done with your notebooks.  You can grab them at lunch if you want? _

_ Sure! _  She typed back.   _ Band closet? _

_ Where else? _

Alyssa found it difficult to focus in math class that day.  It was right before lunch, and Emma wasn’t in the class with her.  Everything the teacher said about polynomials went in one ear and out the other as Alyssa glanced at the clock every ten seconds and drew spirals on her notebook page to pass the time.

When the lunch bell finally rang, Alyssa couldn’t get out of her seat fast enough.

She stopped at her locker to put away her math books and texted Shelby and Kaylie that she would be studying in the library during lunch.  Once they replied with various sad face emojis and called her a loser, Alyssa made a beeline for the band room.

She knocked on the closet door.  “It’s open,” was Emma’s immediate response.

Emma had her phone next to her, playing soft music in the room.  Alyssa recognized it as Muse after Emma convinced her to listen to their entire discography that weekend.  She sat on the floor again, backpack discarded to the side. There was a bag of chips open next to her that she occasionally grabbed from in between looking at index cards.  Alyssa’s notebooks were in a neat stack at her feet.

“Hey,” Emma said with a hesitant smile when she saw Alyssa walk inside.  “Thanks again for letting me borrow your notes. Hope you still have enough time to study for the test Friday.”  She read over a card and flipped it over. Alyssa saw the name Woodrow Wilson written on it.

“Did you make flash cards?” she asked.

“Yep,” Emma said, tossing the card to the side and moving onto the next one.

“God, I wish I had the time for that.”  Alyssa sat down across from Emma and grabbed her notebooks.  She unzipped her bag and started putting them in one by one. “With cheerleading I barely have time to study, let alone make flash cards.”

Emma’s eyes flicked up at her briefly, then returned to the card she was reading.  She cleared her throat. “I mean, we could study together sometime. If you want.” Emma seemed nervous to suggest the idea, but as soon as she said it, Alyssa couldn’t think of anything else she would rather do.

“Well, my friends already think I’m in the library...”  Alyssa nudged Emma’s foot with her own. “Care for some lunch company?”

Emma’s face lit up.  “Sure! Uhh, hold on, my stuff is everywhere.”  She scrambled to put her books in her backpack and stack up her notecards to make room for Alyssa to join her.  Alyssa set her backpack down and grabbed her lunch--a salad courtesy of her mother.

“Is that all you have for lunch?” Emma asked with a frown.

Alyssa nodded.  “My mom makes my lunch.  She thinks I need to watch my weight.”

“That’s stupid,” Emma said.  She grabbed the bag of chips and held it out to Alyssa.  “Do you want some chips?”

Alyssa gaped at the bag.  Shelby and Kaylie were also dieting and her mom never kept snacks around the house.  She couldn’t remember the last time she had a potato chip. “I would love some chips.”

Emma shared the rest of her lunch too, which included cookies baked by Emma’s grandma.  Alyssa imagined the look of horror on her mother’s face if she knew.

They ended up splitting the flash cards in half so they could quiz each other.  Alyssa flipped to the next card and read the term in her hand. “Trench warfare.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Emma said.  She took a sip from her water bottle and continued.  “Both sides would dig trenches for cover to fight from, which worked to hold the line, but that was why a lot of the war was a stalemate for a long time.  Nobody could gain any ground and most people who ventured into No Man’s Land ended up dead.”

“No Man’s Land, like in Wonder Woman?”

“Yeah!” Emma exclaimed.  “I love that movie. Gal Gadot is so pretty.”  She seemed to add that last part without thinking, and then froze as she realized what she said.  “Sorry,” she muttered, looking down at the cards again, cheeks red.

Alyssa frowned.  Emma was so so used to hiding part of herself and being ashamed of it, but she was starting to let her guard down.  Alyssa didn’t want her to be afraid when they were together. “Hey, Emma,” she said. “You don’t have to do that. Not with me.”

Emma looked up at her and gave a grim smile.  “Uh, okay.” She cleared her throat, but straightened up and looked at the next card in her hand.  “Your turn. Archduke Franz Ferdinand.”

“Okay, I know this one,” Alyssa said.  “He was assassinated… I want to say July?”

“Nope.  June...”

“June 8th?”

“28th.”

“1912?”

“1914.”

“Dang it!  Why do dates matter anyway?  It started the war and stuff, I know that!”

Emma let out a burst of laughter.  Alyssa didn’t think she had ever heard Emma laugh like that before.  She never wanted it to stop.

They were interrupted when the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.  Alyssa didn’t want to leave.

“This was fun.”

“Yeah,” Emma agreed.  “Nice to have company.”

“Yeah, nice to have company that doesn’t suck.”

“You really don’t like your friends, do you?”

“Not really, no.”

Emma pursed her lips and said tentatively, “Well, you know where to find me.”

From then on, Alyssa tried to eat lunch with Emma in the band closet at least once a week.

Alyssa wished she could actually hang out with Emma.  She wanted to sit next to her in class and chat in the halls and lunch in the cafeteria, but she knew she couldn’t, so she settled for texting after school and small shared smiles in the halls and, of course, lunch in the closet.  That had to be some sort of metaphor.

  
  
  


The Homecoming dance was coming up, and Alyssa’s mom had roped her into being on the planning committee, saying it was a trial run for prom and it would get her foot in the door as a candidate for Homecoming Queen next year.  Alyssa didn’t really want to help plan the dance, but when her mom was involved, she didn’t really have a choice. They had to help pick a theme, budget for food, decorations, and a DJ, and sell tickets, but there were so many people on the committee that once the work was split up, it wasn’t too much.

It wasn’t until her mom started asking whether or not she had a date to the dance, that Alyssa grew increasingly uncomfortable.

“I’m just going to go with my friends, mom,” she said, looking out the passenger window of the car, wishing for some escape from the conversation.  “I’m not even dating anyone.” She kept terms gender neutral in the hope that  _ maybe _ her mom would one day be open to the idea of her being gay.

“I know you don’t have a boyfriend, but you could if you wanted to!”  Apparently that wouldn’t work. “You are the prettiest girl in town, Alyssa, I’m sure the boys are just fawning all over you.”

Alyssa didn’t mention the fact that she had already turned down two boys who asked her to the dance.  “I just don’t think I should date right now,” she tried to explain. “With college applications coming up, I really need to focus on school and cheer.”

That seemed to get her mom off her back.  “I have to admit, that is very mature and responsible of you, Alyssa,” she said after a moment of contemplation.  “Okay, go with your friends. That’s fine by me.”

Alyssa breathed a sigh of relief.

When the day of the dance came around, Alyssa had to arrive a few hours early to help oversee set up.  She was already in her dark blue dress and makeup, and her hair was twisted into a fancy bun while a few curls hung loose.  Her mom dropped her off at the front of the school and by the look of it, she was the first person to arrive, so she meandered slowly through the halls toward the gym.

Alyssa was surprised when she ran into Emma coming out of the principal’s office, wearing jeans and a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up.  The door opened as Alyssa walked past and the girls collided in the hall. Emma’s eyes grew wide when she noticed Alyssa’s attire and her cheeks flushed bright red.

“Sorry, I--um--I didn’t see you,” Emma stuttered.

“You’re a little early for the dance.”

“Oh, no I was just meeting with Principal Hawkins,” Emma explained.  “I’m not going to the dance.”

“Why were you meeting with Principal Hawkins?”  Alyssa frowned.

“I’m not in trouble or anything.  He’s actually very supportive. The school board won’t let him do much about the bullying, it’s not like he can suspend the entire student population.  But he likes to check in with me sometimes and make sure I’m doing okay. It’s kind of sweet, in a weird way.” Emma chuckled to herself.

“Wait,” Alyssa backtracked, “you’re not coming to the dance?” Alyssa wasn’t sure why she thought Emma  _ would _ go to the dance.  They had never talked about it or anything.  Maybe she just assumed Emma was going because she thought everyone was going.  Or maybe she just  _ wanted _ Emma to be there, to see her dressed up for a special occasion.  Maybe she would wear another suit jacket, like that dance she ran out of so many years ago.  The thought made Alyssa blush.

“No.  I mean, what’s the point?” Emma shrugged.  “I don’t like dances and no one wants me there anyway, so--”

“I want you there.”

“Why, so you can hang out with your friends and never actually talk to me?”  Emma snapped. Her voice was suddenly bitter, and she crossed her arms defensively.

Alyssa wasn’t sure what she expected but it wasn’t that.  “What are you--”

“I know you’re nice to me and that’s-- that’s great,” Emma started.  She couldn’t look Alyssa in the eyes as she spoke. “And I get it, you’re popular and you’re not gay and people can’t know that you talk to me, whatever.  But I don’t have anyone else, Alyssa. Everyone hates me except you, and you-- you’re too ashamed to even be seen with me. So sorry if I don’t want to go to the school dance to watch my one friend here ignore me all night.”

“Emma, you don’t understand--”  The sound of a door echoed in the halls made Alyssa nearly jump out of her skin.  She looked around for the source of the noise but couldn’t find it anywhere.

“See what I mean?!”  Emma turned around to walk away.

“Emma, wait!”  She needed Emma to listen.  Alyssa looked around again and saw the band room down the hall.  She grabbed Emma’s hand to stop her, and dragged her down the hall to the band room, into the closet and shut the door behind them.

It was dark.

“Great, now we’re back in here,” Emma grumbled.  She found the light switch easily and flicked it on.  Dim light flooded over them. They were close, Alyssa’s chest lightly bumped against Emma’s as she lost her balance and quickly stepped back.

Alyssa swallowed.  Her heart was racing.  She couldn’t just let Emma leave thinking that she didn’t care, but Emma wasn’t  _ listening  _ to her.  There was maybe only one thing that she could say to Emma to get her to understand.  The truth.

“Emma, just listen to me!”  Alyssa’s voice shook as she spoke.  She had never said it out loud before.  She wasn’t even sure if she  _ could _ say it out loud, but she could try.  She hesitated. Maybe Emma could sense the fear in her eyes because she took Alyssa’s hand and gave a reassuring squeeze.

“It’s not what you think,” Alyssa started.  “I don’t care about being popular. I hate my friends.  They suck. I wish I didn’t have to wear a mask every day.  I wish my mother didn’t judge my every move.” She took a deep breath.  “I don’t want people seeing us together and spreading rumors about me, because… because those rumors would be true.”

Emma’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.  “Alyssa, what are you saying?”

Alyssa didn’t know how else to beat around the bush, so she just blurted it out before she lost her nerve.  “I’m a lesbian!” And suddenly her eyes went wide. “Oh my god. I’ve never said that out loud before. Oh, god.”

She stepped away from Emma and brought her hands up to her face.  Alyssa could feel her breath trying to speed up, but she did her best to keep it under control.

Emma blinked, shocked.  “Are you okay?”

“I think so?” Alyssa said.  She wasn’t sure, and there was a part of her that was still panicked, but something about this felt good.

“So you’re…?”

“Yeah.”

“Well now I feel like an asshole.”

“What?” Alyssa frowned.  “No, you have every right to be mad at me.  I wish I was as brave as you, but how can I possibly be ready for everyone to know if I can barely say it to myself?”

“You told me,” Emma said softly.  “That’s a start.

Alyssa finally felt herself relax.  She said it out loud. She told someone.  And the world didn’t end. “Yeah, it is.”

“Welcome to the club.”  Emma shrugged. “It sucks, doesn’t it?”

Alyssa chuckled.  “A little, yeah.” Alyssa’s phone buzzed with a new message from Shelby.   _ Where are u? _  “I have to go,” she sighed.  Emma still wasn’t looking at her.  “Are we okay?”

There wasn’t even a moment’s hesitation.  “Of course.”

Alyssa couldn’t help it.  She threw her arms around Emma and pulled her in for a tight hug.  Emma was quick to hold her in return. They stayed like that, in each other’s arms, for a while.  “I don’t have anyone else either,” Alyssa muttered. “Not really.”

Alyssa wanted to stay in Emma’s arms forever, but her phone buzzed again.  She had to go.

“Lunch Monday?” Alyssa asked, hopeful as she dropped her arms and stepped back.

“I’d like that.”

Alyssa left, but as she stepped outside, she felt more like herself than she had in a long time.  Even if no one else could know, she knew, and Emma knew, and for now it was good enough.

Halfway through the dance, Alyssa escaped into the bathroom and texted Emma.   _ I hope you’re having fun at home but I still wish you were here _ , and ended it with a purple heart emoji.

Emma was quick to respond.   _ Well I’m in bed watching Netflix so I’m loving it, but I wish you were here too _ .

Alyssa couldn’t help but grin.

  
  


It was really hard for Alyssa to  _ not _ think about Emma pretty much all the time.

Alyssa thought about how Emma had started sending her goodnight and good morning text messages.  She thought about how they would study together and Emma would hum to herself when she was focusing on something and didn’t even realize it.  She thought about how Emma rarely paid attention in class, instead choosing to doodle and write in the margins of her notebook.

Alyssa thought about the way her heart would leap out of her chest whenever Emma smiled at her.

It was a real problem.  It was the type of problem that made her lose focus while doing homework or studying because she couldn’t stop thinking about Emma’s stupid smile.  It was the type of problem that kept her awake in bed well past midnight because she wondered if maybe Emma was also still awake, thinking of her.

She thought about kissing Emma a lot.

Whenever Emma spoke, Alyssa found herself staring at her lips as they moved.

She had never had this problem before.  Then again, she also thought she was straight before.  And she had never spent this much time with Emma before.

But more than anything, Alyssa was just thankful that she finally had someone that she could completely be herself around.  There was a place she could go where she could take off the perfectly sculpted mask that she wore for her mother and her classmates, let her hair down, and make Emma laugh as she attempted (and failed) to burp the alphabet.

James Madison High School football team made the playoffs, and then the semis, and then the finals, and soon Alyssa found herself busy through lunches as the cheer squad picked up extra practice time before the big game, and even their after school practices were twice as long.  Alyssa barely had the time or energy to text Emma an apology for missing another lunch by the time she finally made it home and collapsed in bed each day.

The finals match was approaching and football season was almost over.  With only one game left on a Friday night, Alyssa was ready for a break.

She put on her uniform, tied up her hair, and did her makeup, getting ready for the game.  She could hear the crowds of people outside filling the stand. The whole town of Edgewater must have been in attendance.

When the cheer squad rushed onto the field underneath the stadium lights to perform their first cheer of the night, Alyssa turned to face the stands and almost tripped over her own two feet when she noticed a face in the crowd.

Emma Nolan sat on the far left side of the bleachers, back in a corner, by herself.  She wasn’t cheering or sporting the school colors or anything. In fact, she had a book on her lap and headphones over her ears, but she watched intently.  And when she saw that Alyssa had noticed her, she smiled.

Emma was at a  _ football game _ ?  Emma didn’t like sports, or crowds, or anyone in Edgewater, really.  Why on earth would she come out to the biggest town event of the season?

_ Maybe she’s here for you _ , said a little voice inside Alyssa’s head.  Her heart skipped a beat at the thought.

Alyssa could almost feel Emma’s eyes on her throughout the game, even when she wasn’t facing the crowd.  She was never nervous about cheer, but she found herself overthinking the steps and close to mistakes throughout the game.

But for once, the smile she had plastered on her face wasn’t entirely faked.

By the end of the second quarter, their team was down by ten points, and the squad’s halftime performance succeeded in raising audience morale.  They ran off the field to the sound of screaming high school football fans. Alyssa only had a quick break to go to the locker rooms while the marching band closed out the show before the the game began again.  Alyssa rushed to her gym bag and fished out her cell phone. She forgot about water for the time being for much more pressing issues, such as texting Emma.

_ Why are you here? At a FOOTBALL GAME???? _

Emma’s reply came immediately.   _ I hear the cheerleaders are pretty cute. _

Alyssa’s cheeks flushed and she couldn’t conceal the grin on her face.   _ Can I see you after? _ She found herself typing.

“Alyssa, let’s go!” Shelby called out.

Alyssa looked around and hadn’t even realized that the rest of the squad was already leaving.  Alyssa barely had time to drop her phone into her bag before Kaylee grabbed her shirt and dragged her out the door.

She did have a moment to catch a glimpse of Emma’s response.   _ Yes _ .

“What’s got you so distracted tonight?” Kaylee asked.

“Nothing,” Alyssa shrugged.  “Just tired from all the extra practice I guess.”

“Can you at least keep it together for the rest of the game?”

“Yes ma’am,” Alyssa gave her a mock salute.

“Don’t mock me,” Kaylee glared at her.  “I’ll remember that when I’m team captain next year.”

“ _ If _ you’re team captain,” Shelby chimed in.  “You’re not the only one who will be on the squad all four years.”

Alyssa didn’t want to get in the middle of another meaningless squabble, so she ran ahead of them and back out onto the field.  She was a bundle of nerves, exhausted, sweaty, thirsty, and the stadium lights were starting to give her a headache, but when she found Emma’s face in the crowd again, none of that mattered.  She grinned, just for Emma, before turning around to face the field.

The game seemed to drag on.  All of them did, really, but this one especially so.  Alyssa wasn’t sure why she was so giddy at the thought of Emma coming to the game just to see her.  No one had ever done that for her before. Even her mom was too busy to come to games she cheered at most of the time.

They lost the game.  The team was furious, the crowd was distraught, but Alyssa couldn’t find it in herself to be upset.  Everyone else dragged their feet but Alyssa practically skipped off the field. She was the first into the locker rooms rushed to her bag to find a new text from Emma on her phone.   _ Where can we meet? School’s locked up so band closet is a no-go _

Alyssa thought for a moment.

“You still coming out with us tonight, bitch?” Kaylee asked, elbowing her in the side.  “There’s a party at Nick’s. It’ll probably be sad drinking but it’ll still be fun!”

“Oh, shoot,” Alyssa said, hurriedly gathering her belongings.  “I can’t come anymore, my mom needs me to get home. She’s actually outside waiting for me right now.”

It was a total lie, but her friends didn’t need to know that.  Her mom was working late, and still under the impression she would be getting a ride home from Shelby later tonight.  She’d figure out how to get home later.

“Boo, your mom’s the worst,” Shelby grumbled, grabbing a towel from her locker and heading over to the showers.

“Ain’t that the truth,” Alyssa sighed.  “I gotta go!”

Alyssa slung her gym bag over her shoulder and rushed out the door, typing out a message to Emma as she ran.   _ Follow me. _

Alyssa had an idea of a place to meet that would only work if it was still crowded enough that no one would notice them, but not crowded enough that Emma would lose sight of her.

When Alyssa stepped outside, she saw that the crowd was still pretty thick, slowly climbing down from the bleachers and walking out to the parking lot.  She caught sight of Emma, still sitting in the same place, awkwardly waiting for the crowd to disperse. Alyssa waved to catch her attention, then weaved through the crowd, heading directly for the far end of the bleachers, hoping that Emma was following her.

When she reached her destination, Alyssa looked over her shoulder to make sure Emma could still see her.  She nodded, then stepped around an oddly placed wall, squeezed past a bush, and emerged on the other side.

She was underneath the bleachers, shielded from the outside world by the metal seats overhead and a tall, black fence on the other side.

Alyssa turned around when she heard a squeak and a thud.  She found Emma collapsed on the ground, rubbing her ankle.

“Damn it,” Emma huffed.

Alyssa chuckled and rushed over to help her up.  She grabbed Emma’s hands and pulled her back onto her feet, and when Emma didn’t let go, she didn’t complain.  Alyssa felt...nervous. This all felt very intimate and romantic-- meeting in secret under the bleachers, just the two of them.  They could hear the thundering of footsteps climbing down the metal bleachers above them, but down here it felt like it was just her and Emma.  Alyssa felt like she was glowing; Emma’s presence made her heart surge with affection and she had on a smile that just couldn’t be wiped from her face.

“What is this place?” Emma looked around at the dirty, secluded underside of the bleachers.

“You’re not the only one who wants to be alone sometimes,” Alyssa explained.  “I used to come here after practice. Or during practice. Or in the mornings before school when my mom is being insufferable.  Not a lot of people know how to get back here, so it’s nice.” She sighed, content, and looked around at the space. “I actually haven’t had to come down here in a couple months.”

“Well I don’t know a lot about football, or cheerleading, but you were awesome out there.”  Emma wrapped her arms around Alyssa in a warm hug.

“Oh, wait, no!” Alyssa muttered, suddenly self-conscious of the sheen of sweat on her body and her greasy hair in a messy ponytail.  “I don’t know if you want to keep hugging me, I probably smell gross. Sorry, I should’ve like, rinsed off first, but I didn’t want to miss you.”

“I would’ve stuck around,” Emma extracted herself from Alyssa’s arms with a shy smile, “for you.”

Alyssa’s cheeks flushed red, and she hoped Emma attributed it to the workout she just had, but Emma was probably smarter than that.  She bit her lip to try and hide the giddy grin that overtook all her features and dipped her head, shy under Emma’s intent gaze.

“Why are you so happy?” Emma asked.  “Didn’t they just lose, or do I know way less about football than I thought?”

“It’s nothing,” Alyssa said, shaking her head.  “I just didn’t expect to see you tonight, that’s all.  What are you even doing here?”

“What, I don’t look like James Madison’s biggest football fan?”  With the headphones around Emma’s neck and a book nestled under her arm, Alyssa couldn’t help but chuckle.  Emma looked down at her feet and rubbed the back of her neck, cheeks turning red. “I, um-- we didn’t get to hang out all week, so I thought-- I mean, it’s stupid, I just wanted to see you, I guess?  I don’t know, it’s dumb, I just kind of missed you. Is that weird? I get that you’re busy and...”

Alyssa’s not totally sure what came over her in that moment.  Chock it up to leftover adrenaline from the game, or nerves from being alone with Emma for the first time in over a week, or just sheer stupidity.

Alyssa leaned in, bounced up on her toes, and kissed Emma.

There was a soft thud as Emma’s book fell to the ground.

As cliche as it sounded, it was like everything froze for a moment.  The sounds of the stadium crowds drowned out and the whole world melted away until it was just her and Emma.  She couldn’t move, she couldn’t breathe, until she felt Emma kissing her back, and suddenly Alyssa’s whole life made sense.

Alyssa Greene was brought into the world to end up in this moment, right here, kissing Emma Nolan.

Alyssa never understood the phrase “deer-in-headlights” until she saw Emma’s wide-eyed, shell-shocked expression when she pulled away.  Emma blinked a few times, mouth gaping, eyes bulging. She closed her mouth, then opened it as if she wanted to say something, and closed it again.

It was a moment later that Alyssa’s brain finally caught up with her body and she realized what she had done.  “I’m so sorry,” she gasped, her eyes growing wide. “I don’t know why I did that.”

“You kissed me,” Emma muttered, still a little dazed.

“Uh-huh,” Alyssa nodded.  “I think I did.” Emma didn’t seem to be upset by her kiss, which calmed Alyssa’s nerves a little.

“Why?” Emma asked.

Alyssa pursed her lips and gave a small shrug.  “I guess I missed you too.” When Emma said nothing, Alyssa felt herself get anxious again.  “I’m sorry, I-- I shouldn’t have done that. I should’ve asked or, I don’t know. I hope I didn’t just make things weird between us.”  She brought a hand up to her forehead, shielding her eyes in embarrassment, but Emma still said nothing.

Alyssa looked up again and studied Emma’s face; Emma’s eyes were down looking at her hands as she fiddled with her fingers. After a moment, Emma lifted her head to meet Alyssa’s gaze, then dipped down to her lips.  Emma swallowed, her breath shaky, eyes nervous.

“Can you do it again?” she asked.

Alyssa blinked.  That was not what she expected to hear.

“I-- yeah, if you want.”

The air was thick with tension and Alyssa’s chest felt heavy as she leaned in again.  Now that she knew what she was doing, what she wanted to do, there was so much more weight in the moment.  She grabbed Emma’s hand and squeezed it, gave her a small, reassuring smile. Their noses brushed, her eyes fluttered shut, and she met Emma’s soft lips for the second time and  _ god _ , were they soft.

Alyssa sighed as she felt Emma’s arms wrap around her waist, fingers brushing against her bare back at the midriff of her cheer uniform.  Her arms winded over Emma’s shoulders, holding her closer as Emma kissed her back.

Alyssa’s nose bumped into Emma’s glasses and she leaned back with a small smile, tilted her head, and kissed her again.  She felt like Emma was stealing the breath directly from her lungs as they kissed, and she couldn’t get enough of it. Alyssa played with the hair at the back of Emma’s head, winding her fingers through it, and shivered at the soft hands on her back, holding her in place.

Alyssa had never been kissed before, but this was the kind of kiss that people wrote movies about, she just knew it.

When they finally broke apart again, Emma still looked dazed.  To be fair, Alyssa couldn’t really believe this was happening herself.  It took a moment for both of them to collect their thoughts. Alyssa dragged a thumb across her own lips, still feeling the ghost of Emma’s there.  She could hardly believe it.

“You like me?” Emma asked after a moment..

Alyssa took a deep breath.  Honesty. Now would be a good time for that.  “Emma, I’ve had a giant crush on you for like, two years.”

“You have?” Emma squeaked.

Alyssa nodded.  “Um, yeah. I guess, hanging out with you made it harder to ignore.”  Emma just nodded, still looking at Alyssa with a bit of a distant haze over her eyes.  Alyssa felt nervous, but she didn’t want to push Emma too much. “So, um-- is that okay?” she asked simply.

“What?” Emma blinked, as if suddenly snapping out of her daze after the kiss and realizing what Alyssa implied.  “Oh, god, Alyssa, I like you so much! I just-- I never thought you would-- I mean, I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that you, Alyssa Greene, have a crush on  _ me _ .  I mean, why  _ do _ you like me?”

“What’s not to like?”

“Uh, everything?” Emma chuckled, deflecting her insecurities with self-deprecating humor again.  Alyssa spent enough time with her now to see how she really felt.

Alyssa frowned.  “Emma, you’re amazing.”

Emma blushed, but didn’t say anything.  “So… I like you and you like me,” she muttered, changing the subject.  “Now what?”

“We could kiss some more?” Alyssa shrugged.

“As much as I would like that,” Emma started, eyes lingering on Alyssa’s lips again before she snapped herself out of it, “I meant more, like, long-term.  I mean, do you want to, like, date?”

Alyssa froze.  Of course she wanted to, but there was a small matter stopping her: her mother.  “Yes,” Alyssa said. “So much, yes. But--”

“Your mom, I know,” Emma said with a dejected sigh.  “I don’t want to force you to come out or anything.”

“Right,” Alyssa frowned.

She watched as the gears turned behind Emma’s eyes until she spoke up with an idea that Alyssa hadn’t expected.  “So what if nobody knew?”

“What do you mean, we date in secret?” Alyssa asked.

“It’s not like anyone knows we’re friends now, how different could it be?” Emma shrugged.  “I want to be with you and I don’t want fear holding us back.”

“I want to be with you too.”  Alyssa straightened her back, and with newfound confidence she took Emma’s hands again and met her eyes.  “Emma Nolan, will you go on a date with me?”

“Wha-- when?”

“Tonight?  My mom isn’t expecting me home until 10:30 so that gives us…”  She checked the time on her watch. “...three hours to do whatever we want.”

“I could drive us to South Bend,” Emma said, excited.  “It’s like a forty minute drive, but it’s not Edgewater.  We won’t have to worry about people seeing us or word getting back to your mom or anything.”

Alyssa was feeling elated and impulsive and on top of the world; she couldn’t think of a single reason to say no.  “Let’s do it!”

Emma looked up, where the sound of thumping feet persisted.  “Did you want to wait until the field clears out first?”

Alyssa frowned.  She felt bad, but she didn’t want to risk anyone seeing her getting into Emma’s car and telling her mom.  “Yeah, can we stay down here for a bit?”

“I’m okay with that.”

Alyssa turned around to look at the space they were stuck in for the time being.  “We could listen to music and sit over by the--”

She was caught off-guard when Emma’s hands found her cheeks, pulling Alyssa into her arms and pressing their lips together again.

They were alone, they might as well take advantage of it.

Alyssa couldn’t get over how soft Emma’s lips were, even softer than she had dreamed against her own.  They were both gentle, tentative, still trying to figure out what exactly they were doing, and Alyssa couldn’t get enough.

No one could know about their relationship; they both knew that.  Alyssa was deeply in the closet and Emma was the poster child for why you shouldn’t come out.  If Alyssa was being honest with herself, she was terrified. She was terrified of someone seeing them, she was terrified of her friends turning on her if they knew, she was terrified of what her mother would say.

But right now, under the bleachers, Emma was the only thing that mattered.  Alyssa kissed her long past the last footsteps had left the stands and the stadium lights turned off, blissfully unaware of the world passing by around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At 8.6k words this chapter turned out a lot longer than I anticipated lol. I probably won't continue this specific story, I just wanted to write about them getting together, but I do have more Prom stuff in the works so keep an eye out for that.  
> Thank you for reading I hope you like this conclusion to the story :) Comment, like, and follow me on Tumblr @elliesgaymachete


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